Ron Swanson Quotes

Timeless Ron Swanson Quotes from Parks and Recreation

Parks and Recreation may have ended in 2015, but the wisdom of Ron Swanson (Nick Offer man)—and his obsession with meat, whiskey and woodworking—is eternal. So if you’re looking for Ron Swanson quotes, we have them!

Ron Swanson quotes may seem like a man of few words, but throughout the series, he shares his thoughts on pretty much everything, from hard work (namely, the virtues of avoiding it) to his distrust of romantic relationships stemming from his two disastrous marriages to women named Tammy.

He’s had plenty of life experience, but his character hates being asked for advice.

“If any of you need anything at all, too bad,” Swanson once said on the show. “Deal with your problems yourselves, like adults.”

Here are just a few hilarious and memorable quotes from the legendary Pawnee parks director.

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Ron Swanson Quotes

1. “There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that’s lying about being milk.”

2. “The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am. I’m not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.”

3. “Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream, or be nothing.”

4. “Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something.”

5. “When I eat, it is the food that is scared.”

6. “Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait … I worry what you heard was, ‘Give me a lot of bacon and eggs.’ What I said was, give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?”

7. “I’ve cried twice in my life. Once when I was 7 and hit by a school bus. And then again when I heard that Li’l Sebastian had passed.”

8. “Don’t start chasing applause and acclaim. That way lies madness.”

9. “I call this turf ‘n’ turf. It’s a 16-ounce T-bone and a 24-ounce porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I am going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American.”

10. “I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food.”

11. “When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.”

12. “If there were more food and fewer people, this would be a perfect party.”

13. “That is a canvas sheet, the most versatile object known to man. It can be used to make tents, backpacks, shoes, stretchers, sails, tarpaulins, and I suppose, in the direst of circumstances, it can be a surface on which to make art.”

14. “Any dog under 50 pounds is a cat, and cats are useless.”

15. “I regret nothing. The end.”

16. “I’d wish you the best of luck but I believe luck is a concept created by the weak to explain their failures.”

17. “Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.”

18. “Crying: Acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.”

19. “There are three acceptable haircuts: high and tight, crew cut, buzz cut.”

20. “Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons.”

21. “On my deathbed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time.”

22. “Normally, if given the choice between doing something and nothing, I’d choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I’d work all night, if it meant nothing got done.”

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